thoughts on second best
so i see posts on being second best...

not sure what i am supposed to say to that. 

i am trying to be a good friend and a good "wife" on one hand.... only to stand in line for everything even affection or just mere acknowledgement on that end...

the other hand is wanting to be a good friend and something more and not being able to do that either.

i fail at both.

you should know i am a failure.

i fail at being a good wife because i want other people.  let me amend that,  it's WANT... NEED... FALL IN LOVE WITH... other people and how is that right and granted i know it;s a polygamous relationships but didnt I promise something there at the beginning?  

how different things would be if I hadnt met Brad first....

Moonshine makes me rant... apparently.

so I suck.  I know this.  I have treated you badly... mainly because I dont know how to deal with my feelings about you.  i am always going to feel like i shortchange you because i really want to just steal you away and give you what you deserve but i cant.  I'm stuck.

I've never said "I love you" without meaning it.

Crys is ... easy...  the relationship is easy because oh hey it;s cute when chicks get together.  Doesnt mean the love is any less it's just that for some reason people would expect it more or be able to sit better with it.  Marrying Crys just means double the fun which she herself even says.  Brad seems to love the ideaa because hey why would he ever want just me when having two girls could be so much more fun.   Grassy is of the same opinion too.  kinda sucks in a lot of ways if you think about it.

I am rambling.

*sits on the curb outside of the hospital, itching for a cigarette and more moonshine*

had to kind of explain things to Brad... how every little girl is brought up with  the idea that there is One knight in shining armor out there, someone ready to ride up and sweep a girl off her feet-- or ready to sweep her heart away.  we meet someone, fall in love, and wonder if he is the One.  Brad's situation is that some close friend thought he was her One... he knew he wasnt... blah blah blah...   i guess what Brad didnt quite understand-- or maybe i didnt spell it out enough-- is that every girl has this dream... even the girls married to the polygamists, even me.  we need this One...

do I hate not being someone's one and only?  yeah... kinda.  is it hypocritical of me?  i think i would call myself a hypocrite.  am i disappointed that apparently i myself and not good enough to win over my own husband;s heart?  kinda makes me feel all of 2 inches tall, so yeah.  does it suck knowing there's another heart out there that loves be back that I really want to say "Hey, wish you  were my One" but i dont feel i have the right to say that?

*wipes the tears away on my sweatshirt*

hate myself.  hate even more that i've made you feel bad.  i just dont know what i am supposed to be doing here. 

i know what second best feels like.  i know it every time i strive to be something more shiny, someone better, someone worth listening to, with my own husband.

i dont know how to fix that with you without fucking things all up. 

wish you were my One.

(no subject)
Jealousy is a weakness I am not allowed to have.  Take as many pieces of my heart as you want--  I apparently don't need them anymore.

Looking to make things complete
Talking to my brother Luc over the phone tonight, we talked a bit about perfect love and perfect lovers and just how relationships are sometimes very strange indeed.

I'll leave out most of the details except to say that I think the quest for creating the perfect love is something that maybe I should follow. What does this mean... for me and for you, dear readers? For me, it means actively making my relationships the best they can be. You don't sit back and expect love to show up, and you don't expect  love to just stay, if you arent active in the relationship. Love stays because you've put yourself into it. Love is not a spectator sport and it doesn't "just happen". I claim responsibility for Love-- whatever happens, I can't say I never gave it my whole heart.

*deep breath*

I've been lax on a lot of that.  I've realized I've lived in limbo for weeks.  I should have put more into relationships, I should have acted more... but in the end I've just taken for granted that some relationships are there.  Sucks, really.

So... there are friends that I love quite a bit-- expect our friendship to be stronger and more active.   I am going to try to be more "there" for you.  If I mess it up, tell me... please.   Stormy... Steve... Phil B and Phil O...  Grassy and Crys... Janne...   the least I can do is give you the best of me.

There's also a husband there that I need to reconnect with.  Brad, there are so many things I want to tell you, a lot more things I need to tell you, but I am still trying to make the words and my ideas gel like they should.    Simply put, I love you in a lot of crazy ways.  That will never change... but I think I need to show you more.  I need to show you what this love means to me.  And I think it's my project to figure out how to do this despite the fact we are on different tour schedules in different cities.

I am still working on all this, but for now.... this is where my headspace is.  

"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." — Tom Robbins

"The highest function of love is that it makes the loved one a unique and irreplaceable being." — Tom Robbins

"When two people meet and fall in love, there's a sudden rush of magic. Magic is just naturally present then. We tend to feed on that gratuitous magic without striving to make any more. One day we wake up and find that the magic is gone. We hustle to get it back, but by then it's usually too late, we've used it up. What we have to do is work like hell at making additional magic right from the start. It's hard work, but if we can remember to do it, we greatly improve our chances of making love stay." — Tom Robbins

"When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter." — Tom Robbins

(Maybe Tom Robbins is my favorite author... )

found lyrics
 Found these in my father (Pete Woods)'s things.  I inherited all the old journals and tour plans and I'm only just now going through everything.  Here are the lyrics for Burn It Down.... which I believe won him some sort of lyric contest with the Way of the UltraViolet Goddess.

Burn it Down:

the wind shifts and flames race onward

nobody can find out this demon i'm hiding,
nobody will want to believe such a thing,
you thought i was sacred but i was mistaken,
now everything's burning down to the ground,

there’s a fire in my heart,
burn the whole thing down,
burning all around,
it gets stronger everyday,
burn the whole thing down,
burning all around,
there’s a fire in my heart.

nobody would ever believe what i’ve done,
nobody would ever believe my behavior,
this wicked fire is sucking the air from me,
i should be afraid of who i've become,

now everything's burning to the ground.

burn the whole thing down,
burning all around,
burn the whole thing down,
burning all around.


If you are going to fall in love with me, it is only fair you are warned about who you are falling in love with. You are falling in love with my insecurities that I am not good enough, not lovable enough, and you are falling in love with my weird obsession with trying to figure out what people think of me. You are falling in love with my constant need to feel appreciated and loved, my immaturity that I try so hard to hide, my overactive tear ducts, my anxiety and panic attacks, my odd internet obsession, my love of hardcore porn, my strange past, my hopes and dreams. I am a hopeless romantic at heart and I would give my whole heart if I thought that would make someone love me more, even if it means I destroy my self in the end. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my harsh perception that nobody could ever love me.

You are also falling in love with the way I will light up when I am with you, the way I will worry myself over your health and well being, the way I will concern myself about whether you will have a great day or not. You are falling in love with my sometimes humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say and the way a blush and beam when someone asks me about you. But to me the most important thing is that you love me, despite me thinking that it is impossible.

15 things about me
15 things about me that most people don't know:

1.  My favorite is milk chocolate.  Give it to me with a hint of mint and I am a happy girl.

2.  I am pagan.  I'm not a follower of Kobe, but of a deeper, darker, older feminine principle.  My Goddess isn't all fuckery and porn.

3.  I cherish the scars I have on my wrists.  

4.  I associate the healing of my scars with two particular men-- the one who got me to the hospital and the one who bound me to him right after.

5.  There are 4-5 blankets on my bed.  I sleep somewhere between them.

6.  I carry around multiple Moleskine notebooks. One is a Seattle city notebook (because I want to see the city so much!). One is a plain notebook for sketches... one is a journal to write down stuff that strike me as interesting. Er.. I think I may have on or two blank ones in my messenger bag as well. (OK, I may be slightly obsessed.)

7.  Horror movies are my favorite but I have issues with movies that glamorize torture. Torture porn just... meh. I can't handle any sort of foot or hand torture. I get queasy.

8.  I think the cutest part of my body is my feet.

9.  I usually have my own private dance party once a day... usually in the morning... most of the time before I head in for the shower.  Just a little bit of good music and BAM! It wakes me up for the day.

10.  I used to have a lot of nightmares.  My worst and most repetitive nightmares involved people dying every time I walked into the room.   My presence = blood, death, sometimes spontaneous combustion.  Either way, people never survived me.

11.  Coffee... two sugars, soy milk.

12.  A man with a wicked sharp brain is just as sexy to me as a man with a gorgeous ass.

13.  I have 3 major moments in my life (so far)-- the trip with Phil when he took me to the hospital, the handfasting after to Brad, and the birth of my daughter Lyric Skye.

14.  I am fairly close with my dad Laurie, but not as close to my dad Colin as I would like to be.

15.  My dog Valentine is named after the beagle owned by my dad Andy before he passed away. 

Just Tonight

*opens a new notebook*
It looks like my old journal at has been swallowed up due to their server woes.  For now this will be a backup, I guess.  Works just as well.


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